Heero's "Mission"
by KatsyKat
Summary: Heero recieves a cryptic mission, and to complete it will push his 'manlyness' to the test.... yeah I know it's vague, but it's not very long and it's funny, I promise. Just give it a try. And please R&R.


Okie dokie. This probebly isn't as funny as War Induced Drugs... in fact I know it isn't. But it's something that just popped into my head and wouldn't leave. I don't think anyone's done this before, but if they have, I'm sorry. This idea just totally jumped into my head tonight as me and my sister were discussing... *something* and my aunt had to jump in and add her two cents... We talked a bit, and a lightbulb went off in my head, so I figured I'd share it with you, especially since my muse wouldn't let me work on Alone untill this was finished. So... now that you're totally confused, I just have to ask, if this really happened wouldn't it be hilarious?... Please review. And umm... oh yeah, I don't own Gundam Wing.  
Enjoy,  
Kat ^'.'^  
  
  
  
Heero sat in the chair of his preventer's office. Were it not for his fingers flying at top speed across the keyboard, he might have been easily mistaken as being catatonic. He was typing up the report from his last mission when suddenly there was a soft beeping that signaled a new mission, direct from Lady Une.   
  
Heero typed furiously, entering code after code until five and a half minutes later he finally opened it. He nodded, as he looked at the clock, satisfied with his typing time. Opening the message, he narrowed his eyes. It read cryptically,   
  
Preventer Heero Yuy   
Go to the nearest drug store. Contact me, via e-mail upon arrival.  
  
"Mission accepted." mumbled Heero as he typed it without a second thought. 'This must be extremely top secret if she won't tell me exactly where it is.'   
  
He gave a small emotionless grin, 'Just because it doesn't say exactly where, doesn't' mean I can't figure it out.' He thought. 'No cryptic message can get past the 'Perfect Soldier.' He pulled out a map and narrowed his eyes as he examined it. According to the map there were two drug stores that were equidistant from the Prenevters Headquarters.   
'Top secret indeed.' He thought. He drew his eyebrows together in deep thought until he took into account the location of his particular office. Because it was slightly off to the left... that meant that the drug store to the west was... exactly 3 and a half feet closer to his present position.  
  
He nodded and ran out of the building, past a very confused Duo, who tried to wave but only managed to get shoved aside. Heero hopped into his car, again ignoring Duo, who had run out to talk to him, and drove insanely fast and even dangerously to the aforementioned drug store. He parked at the dog shelter next door, pulled out his laptop and e-mailed Lady Une, telling her that he was at the location.  
  
As he waited for the reply he wondered what the emergency could be. "Assassins?... no. That couldn't be it." he dismissed. "Terrorists... Not likely." "A bomb?... That might be." he thought. "Although I don't know who in their right mind would choose here."   
  
A few seconds later, after Heero had expertly hidden multiple guns and even a few explosives underneath his jeans and customary green tank-top, his laptop beeped.  
  
Heero opened it, decoded it, and after reading the message three times, paled visibly. "No..." he whispered. "Not that." His breathing began to come in gasps as his chest felt constricted. A light sheen of sweat formed over his entire body. "This isn't fair... why me?" he asked, his head in his hands.  
  
After a few moments, Heero gulped shaking his head. "What's wrong with me?" He slammed his fists into his thighs. "This is a mission. You will do this, Yuy." With that he opened the door to his car, took a few gulps of fresh air, and hurried to the store looking every which way, in an almost paranoid fashion.  
  
After entering the store he looked around. He strolled casually down the candy isle, his hands in his pockets appearing for the most part normal. (If you consider wearing only jeans and a tank top in the middle of winter, normal.)  
  
However, while he appeared to be looking at Baby Ruth's and Kit-Kat's, his eyes were focused on a spot far away... the *gulp* 'feminine isle.' Stepping around to the chips isle, Heero took his time walking, as he waited for a middle-aged woman with short brown hair to select her 'items' and leave.   
  
7 agonizing, and carefully counted minutes later, she finally did, and Heero stepped over. He kept his head down, so as not to be seen above the isle's which were barely chest level. He reached out to grab the nearest box when he reeled.   
  
There were so many kinds. Never in all his life had Heero imagined that there were this many feminine products. Brand names, with wings, bedtime, extra long, extra thin,... and than the absorbencies. Light, heavy, super, regular, super light. Heero stood there dumbfounded for a moment. What did he need to complete his mission?  
  
He was crouched down focusing so completely on the task at hand, that he didn't hear the footsteps behind him. "Heero, my man* What cha doing? I was looking for ya." called an all too familiar voice.   
  
Heero gave him a glare before he grabbed the offenders braid and yanked him to the ground to crouch before him. Heero held his finger to his lips in a 'Shh' motion as he turned to look back at the boxes before him.  
  
"Yeow-ch**" howled Duo, looking hurt. "Hey what's the big deal?" he asked before he looked around. "Ohhh." he said as comprehension dawned and he grinned. "So then, Relena,"  
  
"It's not for Relena." Heero said curtly.  
  
Duo looked confused. "Not Relena?... then who?" Duo wondered who could be powerful enough to reduce Heero to this state.  
  
Heero's eyes darkened. "Une." he spat.  
  
Duo's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "So, you and Une are..."  
  
"No, you baka*" Heero whispered harshly. "She tricked me. She called it a 'mission'"  
  
Duo grinned. "And we all know that the Great Heero Yuy, cannot turn down a mission."  
  
Heero frowned. "It wasn't like that. She tricked me and then logged it as an actual mission. If I back out, it goes on record."  
  
Duo's lips formed an 'O'. "Bummer." he told Heero. Then he grinned. "That's sucks, man. But it's your own fault. Ya gotta learn how to handle woman. See, Hilde asked that exact same thing. Once." he held up his finger. "That was it. I told her no. Put her right in her place. There's no way any self-respecting man should have to..." he stopped abruptly as his cell phone rang.  
  
"Hello?" he called. "Hey-a, Hilde-babe... Yeah, fine. You?"   
  
Heero rolled his eyes as Duo continued to chat happily until suddenly the smile that lit up on Duo's face faltered and his voice reduced to that of a whining two-yr.-old. "No... Please, babe. Not again*" he cried into the phone. "But you said... but... but... ahhh." with a sigh Duo hung up.   
  
Duo pouted, scanned the isle quickly, scooped up a box and stood.  
  
Heero looked amused. A semi-smile formed on his face. "Put her in her place?" he asked smugly.  
  
Duo frowned and then grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, well. Let's just say... I hate sleeping on the couch." Duo turned to leave when suddenly Heero stopped him. "Wait*"  
  
Duo turned, "What?" he asked.  
  
Heero stuttered. "Well,... how do you... how do you know which ones to get?" He motioned.  
  
Duo opened his mouth and closed it, a blank look on his face. "You mean you don't know... which ones she wants?" he burst out laughing. "Man you're so screwed. These are the one's Hilde always gets." He held up the box. "But, they're like... well I dunno, like anything woman want. They 'Need' a particular kind." He shrugged. "Sucks to be you." he said as he turned and checked out, casual as could be.  
  
Heero frowned. This was bad, very bad. He looked at the kinds before him. Finally he grabbed a small package and hurried to the checkout lane, willing his pulse to slow down as he hurried and tried to look as casual as Duo had. Once he was at the checkout lane, the girl took the box and smiled at him.  
  
"You know, we're having a sale on these." she told him. "If you buy one packet, you get the second one half off."  
  
"No thank you." Heero said curtly.  
  
However, the girl would not be discouraged. "Oh, but, surely you must know how expensive these can be. I'm sure you're girlfriend would appreciate..."  
  
Heero cut her off. "These aren't for my girlfriend."  
  
"Oh." the girl said, blushing. "I thought you looked a little too old to be married."  
  
"I'm not married." he shot at her, willing her to just ring them up and be done with it.  
  
Her smile faltered at his harsh tone. "Sorry." she mumbled. "Just trying to save you some money." She rang them up and the cash register let out a very loud and annoying beeping sound. "Oh, shoot." she cried. "The alarm." She fiddled, fruitlessly with it, while Heero stood there.   
  
Eventually, a few minutes later, Heero looked behind him at the long line that had formed, while the cashier tried to fix the cash register. The old lady behind him looked at the product on the counter and winked at him. The man behind her gave him a sympathetic look, and the teenagers behind him giggled, blushing.   
  
Turning, Heero was unable to rid himself of the looks of the people in line. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, and he found himself to be sweating. Finally, the soldier who could sneak in and out of OZ bases at will, could no longer take the tension. He threw a twenty on the counter, grabbed the box and hurried out the door.   
  
Unfortunately, he didn't grab a bag. And as if that weren't bad enough, in the parking lot dropping off Sally was Wufei. When Heero saw them, he froze too dumbfounded to try and hide his purchase. When Sally saw him she grinned and turned to Wufei. "Now, you see Wufei, there's a gentleman." she remarked.   
  
Heero watched Wufei get out of the car and frown his confusion, until comprehension dawned on him as he looked at what Heero had in his hand. He gave a smug smile and crossed his arms, leaning against his car.  
  
Heero frowned, beginning to feel a slight blush as Wufei's eyes bore through him. "How the strong have fallen." Heero heard Wufei mutter. Heero turned quickly, jumped in his car, and peeled out of the parking lot.   
  
Pulling up to Preventer headquarters, Heero cursed. Why didn't he have anything in his car that could cover these infernal things up? He didn't even have a jacket to hide them in, just guns and explosives.   
  
Muttering to himself, he grabbed the accursed item and stomped up to Lady Une's office. Most preventers, at one look, managed to hold their laughter until Heero left, but one not-so-lucky lieutenant began snorting underneath his hands that were clamped firmly over his mouth.   
Heero casually punched him in the diaphragm, knocking him briefly unconscious and glared at the others in the room before continuing upstairs.   
  
Upon reaching Une's office, he promptly knocked. After being told to enter, he stormed into the room his eyes casting an intense dark blue flame, and slammed the package onto the desk.  
  
Lady Une looked at him, smiling eerily. Then she turned to the shadow in the corner that Heero had missed, because he was so angry. "I do believe you owe me fifty." Une told the shadow.  
  
Heero looked up in surprise at... "Relena?" he muttered.   
  
Her lips were drawn into a straight line as she reached in a wallet and handed the money over to Une. Suddenly, she smiled, her face lighting up. "That's all right." she told Une. "I didn't really expect to win. I just wanted to see him suffer." She sat on the desk, crossing her legs and revealing her extremly long legs set under her short suit skirt.   
  
She was facing Heero, but talking to Une, "Now, sending Duo, Sally, and Wufei after him was clasic. I would have never thought of that. This was much better than when Noin asked Millardio." she smirked. "And we've got the security camera tapes to prove it." she said in an uncumtomarally evil voice.  
  
Heero's face flushed and although his face remained neutral, his eyes were wide-open in surprise. Then suddenly, he turned and stormed out of the office intent on destroying those tapes.   
  
He was so focused on ignoring the laughter coming from Une's office, that he missed a elfish Duo sneaking past him into Une's office with three tapes... 


End file.
